Foolproof plans don't work for geniuses
by Sasuke's darkside
Summary: Sasuke's after coming up with a foolproof plan to escape the fan girls, but now he's having trouble with his lie, He's in love with a girl, and he's convinced everyone he's gay, actually quite a flaming one puplic 'affection' and Neji torture
1. Neji and Kakashi

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 1 ; Neji and Kakashi

-

It had been a normal day, the sun shining brightly down on Konoha as Sasuke took his usual after training jog A.k.a legging it from his fan girls for his virginity.

But today was different, they had cornered him.

As things looked there dimmest Sasuke suddenly had a stroke of genius and quickly shouted "Sorry girls, I'm gay !"

There expressions depicted shock horror, to Sasuke it was beautiful, he actually smiled, do bear in mind this was the evil villain smile Orochimaru thought him.

"Prove it !" and in one moment that smart bitch Sakura ruined his happiness. Then he noticed something across the street, I must have been destiny.

Across the street Neji Hyuga was standing hunched over a table threatening Tenten as she had spread another rumour about him being gay. Then he got a weird feeling in the back of his mind, the one that said that destiny was about to rape him something awful.

SMACK

And then Neji's ass felt very sore.

As Neji turned he got the shock of his life to see Sasuke Uchiha, with his hand still on the Hyuga's backside.

Then Sasuke took it a step further, he give the Hyuga's ass a squeeze, winked and practically purred the word "Nice." Before walking off.

As Sasuke made his exit he could barely keep his Laughter contained, and when Tenten announced that the Hyuga was now visibly hard, well Sasuke had to bite through his lip to keep from laughing evilly, damn Orochimaru.

-

Three days later and the Fan girls were still following him, they didn't believe him, well then it was time to get serious.

This consisted of shouting at Kiba in a crowded street, accompanied with hand gestures.

"Want a doggy threat !"

And dragging Rock Lee into a closet and challenging him to a moaning contest.

But it wasn't working, he was going to need professional help.

-

Kakashi noticed it as soon as he entered his apartment that night, there was Sasuke standing by the window reading Ichi Ichi yaoi, he'd gotten it and pretended to read it around Gai so he'd remember to knock before coming into his Apartment.

"Sasuke, do you usually read porn with the Sharingan ?" as he got closer he'd noticed that Sasuke's Sharingan was active, and that Ino and Sakura were spying in the window.

"Only when I'm memorising the techniques." You know. that wasn't a bad idea.

"Any reason your here, apart from looking at porn, Sasuke ?" asked Kakashi teasingly.

Sasuke beckoned the copy nin to him, and into the girls line of few, grabbed him and pulled him close, whispering into his ear.

"By tomorrow everyone will think I fucked your brains out !" giving off a pretty blush for the girls, pushed him onto the bed and closed the curtains.

Then he cast a very special Jutsu that Orochimaru had taught him, he had thought he'd never need it.

"What did you do ?" Asked Kakashi, fearing the answer.

"Get up !" as he tried standing straight he instantly felt pain and fell into a very suggestive limp.

"Fuck !" Kakashi breathed amazed at what had happened.

"I'm staying the night !" said Sasuke, watching Kakashi try to stop limping.

-

It was when he was walking home that morning he saw her, the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

And he had spanked her cousin 4 days ago.

--

Okay, who wants a second chapter. If ya do you'd better review.

R&R


	2. First Attempt

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 2 ; The first attempt

-

The sun beamed down on one Sasuke Uchiha who was sitting casually in a tea shop mulling over his situation.

'So, how do I seduce her ? I can't, um what to call it, get back into the closet, I'd be raped before I finished coming, um, in.' he was starting to get weird looks because of his expressions and because he was muttering some of his thoughts.

"….seduce……closet….raped……finish coming…" is what the other occupant's of the tea shop heard, maybe he had cracked in Sound.

'Huh, I got it, she'll be seduced while she thinks I'm gay, then I'll tell her I'm bi, and she'll be all like "lets fuck like bunnies" oh ya.' Thought/muttered Sasuke, his audience heard.

"…got…….seduced………gay……..I'm bi………let's fuck like bunnies" the part said in a failed attempt at a girls voice.

Then Sasuke shot up and yelled "Off to the Hyuga compound." And off he went.

-

Sasuke quickly arrived at the main house and rung the bell. It took a few moments before the door was answered, by a sleepy Neji with bed hair, they both immediately donned shocked expressions. Neji slammed the door.

Then a scream of "There sweet destiny someone get me a hairbrush !" a few minutes later the door was answered again. This time it was Hinata's little sister.

"Uchiha cock-sucker, So its you who has Neji acting crazy so early in the day." Stated Hanabi casually.

"Demon-child ." Sasuke then began staring obsessively over her shoulder.

"You like Hinata don't you ?" asked Hanabi, Sasuke would later say he had stared a fraction of a second to long, this is what really happened.

Sasuke caught sight of one Hinata Hyuga trying to calm Neji, inclined his head slightly, and openly stared at Hinata's ass.

Hinata saw Neji turn scarlet red and wink somewhere behind her.

Neji saw Sasuke stare at him, incline his head to look 'around' Hinata and openly star at him.

Hanabi saw everything.

"Teach me Chidori and I'll help." Hanabi offered.

"Like I need your help, Hinata train with me" the last part was shouted as Sasuke walked in and carried Hinata off.

"H-he-he's o-obviously t-trying t-to m-make -m-me j-je-jel-jelous." stuttered Neji.

-

They sparred at blinding speeds, it was a tai-jutsu only battle to make it fair. They were evenly matched until.

Sasuke jumped grabbing Hinata's shoulders and spun in mid-air, still holding her shoulders he dropped into a reverse roll and used the momentum to throw her.

They were at the ready again when Hinata dropped her stance and started to walk off.

Sasuke quickly caught up to her and asked what's wrong. She avoided his eyes and stuttered.

"Y-you b-broke my B-b-bra." Oh shit.

-

Sasuke was once again in the Hyuga estate.

"Call me Sensei." Said Sasuke with a tired sigh.

"When do we start cock-sucker-sensei ?"

-

Okay, before anyone says it, he could have broken her bra with a shoulder grab, spin and throw, I done the same thing and broke a girls bra at Aikido training, I got a high five and a "nice" off my friends. interesting night, oh well review.

R&R


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 3 ;

-

"So, that gourds pretty big Garaa, please tell me that it isn't compensating for something ?" Sasuke asked, coupled with a wink.

Garaa's whole body stiffened and he shook his head and muttered "Can you repeat that ? I think my demon's trying to fuck with me again."

"Can't say I can blame him." Said Sasuke, openly checking Garaa out. "I'll just check myself." With that Sasuke started undoing Garaa's pants.

"I hope your still fast." Stated Garaa, killing intent rising with his sand.

"Why ? Do you want a quickie ?"

-

"Honestly Sensei-cocksucker, you won't win over my sister by trying to rape Garaa, and you have to get our fathers permission too." Asked an annoyed Hanabi, she didn't find out if the gourd was compensating.

"I call it surprise sex, and if he's anything like Neji he'll throw her at me." Replied Sasuke, shaking sand from his shirt.

"Why did Naruto bring your cock sucking ass back ?" trying to knock 'surprise sex' and her father acting like Neji out of her head with a table.

"I think assassinates home ninja(1), Anyway I got to go gay things up, think up a plan brat."

-

Today there was a first aid course going on at the academy, it was being thought by Sakura and supervised by Iruka, Sasuke hopes they've covered nose bleeds.

Storming into the classroom Sasuke let out a shout of "Iruka, I'm pregnant." And left the room. 'Next'.

"Gai, you took my Virginity" with tear filled eyes was his next act and then for fun he shouted "give it back."

-

Sasuke had managed to gather Hinata, Naruto and Neji at the training grounds. Now if ichi ichi paradise was right this should work.

"I think we should have a foursome." Sasuke said with a big grin, now all he needed was Neji and Naruto to storm off in disgust, that didn't happen.

Hinata fainted, Neji said "Anything for you Sasu-kins." And Naruto, noticing Hinata's lack of movement said "We'll have to settle for a threesome."

'Shit !' it was going to take all of his bullshitting skills to get out of this.

"Oh my God, Hinata's dieing !" Sasuke screamed.

"What ? No she isn't Bastard." Replied Naruto.

"Yes she is, I read about it, um green tree leaf syndrome." Said Sasuke with shifty eyes.

"You've got to be kidding, what kind of a name is that ?" asked Naruto, Neji still hadn't stopped starring at Sasuke.

"We'll take her to the Hokage then." And that's how Sasuke escaped the threesome and wound up cutting a deal to fill in for the stripper at Shizune's birthday party.

-

It's kinda like a ninja version for 'batting for the home team'

Sorry if its a little short, I have exams. Review

R&R


	4. Sasuke Clause

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 4 ; Sasuke Clause

-

Under the glaring sun, despite it being winter, down the main street of Konoha ran the famous copy ninja Hatake Kakashi, being chased by the equally if not more famous Sasuke Uchiha.

"Stay back, I've only just managed to convince people I'm not your boy-toy." Yelled Kakashi desperately legging it away from the Uchiha, knocking over many people.

"Come back and take it like a man." This caused a few interested looks, but it was mainly passed of as the Uchiha's new found insanity.

"Stop saying things like that, you'll encourage the fan-girls." Bellowed Kakashi flinging an old lady out of his way.

The chase continued until Sasuke finally managed to capture Kakashi, Sadly for Kakashi he did so right in front of Anko.

"Playing hard to get, eh Kakashi ?" oddly she was holding a notebook.

"I'm not hard to get, no wait, I am hard to, no he's not getting any, no that's not right, he's getting some, no that's worse…" as Kakashi continued to ramble Anko turned her attention to Sasuke.

"So when did it start ?" this caused Kakashi to shut up and start giving Sasuke pleading looks, Sasuke smirked.

"He called it 'training', that was before the chunin exams." Kakashi gave out a wail, now everyone would think he was a paedophile too.

"How's Kakashi in bed ?" for some odd reason Kakashi wanted him to say 'the best I've ever had', egos, it seemed worked it mysterious ways, mysterious and stupid ways that is.

"Loud ." this earned another strangled wail from Kakashi, he also finally noticed the notebook.

"Why are you writing ? Stop writing ! I said stop the Fucking Writing !" Kakashi had now taken out a kunai to stop the writing.

"I'm writing a book, I'm gonna call it 'Student and Teacher ; Forbidden Love', don't worry, I'll credit you two." Said Anko walking off.

Kakashi had a rather simple thought running through his mind, 'MUST DESTROY NOTES'.

Sasuke was just running.

-

Sasuke walked through Konoha in the direction of the Hokage's tower, where he would make another attempt to win over the fair Hinata, with Hanabi in tow, the wailing sound of a thousand birds following them.

Hanabi had managed to learn enough of the Chidori to create a semi Chidori, couldn't do a lot of damage but the sound effects where useful, they certainly cleared a street quickly.

Hanabi also discovered it had interesting effects on people, Naruto jumps 10 feet in the air, summons a Rasengan and attacks the first thing that moves.

Garaa of the sand screams like a girl and hides, it was the first thing that ever hurt him.

And Neji, Well Neji would tilt his head to the side, and after a few moments get a nose bleed.

After one such occasion he had barraged into one of Hiashi's meetings with the elders and demanded that Hiashi lock him in a tower and give a speech Neji had written to Konoha.

The speech had read 'I have locked my sexy beast of a nephew in a tower and challenge any brave hero, Sasuke Uchiha, insert large cough, to save him and have Hawt animalistic sex with him, insert maniacal laughter.'

The looks on the elders and Hiashi's faces were hilarious.

They had finally arrived at 'the north pole', a little set up where young children could meet 'Santa', it was ridiculously funny because on a drunken' whim Tsunade had declared that the Hyuga's would play Santa and his elfs.

This was why Neji was sitting on a candy cane throne with a little girl on his lap.

Sasuke however failed to notice as he had noticed Hinata in her rather revealing elf costume. This set of an interesting series of events.

Sasuke while staring at Hinata's legs had unconsciously formed Chidori.

The sight of which caused Neji to 'form' something in his pants that sure as hell wasn't Chidori.

This caused the girl to see 'Santa' magically make a present appear, so she grabbed it.

This caused Neji to moan.

This brought everyone's attention to Neji.

This didn't end well for Neji.

-

After Neji had been tarred and feathered, Sasuke had stepped in as Santa, why ? because Hanabi had gotten Hinata to ask him.

As the first kid sat in his lap Sasuke began to wish he'd asked Hanabi about her plan.

"S-Santa, I w-was w-wondering if you couwd hewp me w-with a buwwy ?" asked a young boy of about 5.

"Have you tried fighting back ?" asked Sasuke.

"He's b-bigger than me, and t-too stwong." Said the boy, causing Sasuke to root through _his_ bag, not the Santa bag, and pull out a pouch of Kunai.

"If you come to the Uchiha training grounds at 11a.m. tomorrow a friend of mine will show you how to use these." Giving the pouch to the boy, the crowd gAve a pleased sigh, this was a ninja village, and Sasuke made a deep impression on a member of the crowd.

No, not Hinata, Tsunade was the one he reached, she'd realised how many more ninja's she could get like this, Sasuke didn't know it but he'd just become Konoha's Santa for life.

-

The 'north pole' was closing and from his throne Sasuke could see Hinata approaching him, only to trip over some chakra strings her younger sister was manipulating from behind a wall.

Before she could hit the ground however Sasuke had caught her.

Suddenly she looked up, turned beet red and started staring at the ground. Looking up Sasuke noticed there was some mistletoe above them.

"Why put that there, It's like there asking for paedophiles." Sasuke could hear Hanabi smack her head in the distance.

"Y-you don't h-have to." Came Hinata's soft voice.

"Oh hell no, I've worked to hard to give this up !" with that he pulled her into a fierce and heated kiss.

-

Okay what ya think, we're not finished yet do, by the way I actually like Neji, torturing him just comes easy.

R&R


	5. I'm here to corrupt your daughter

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto.

I was asked what Aikido is so I put it up on my profile, if you need anymore info you could try wikipedea

Chapter 5 ; I'm here to corrupt your Daughter !

-

Sasuke walked proudly up to the Hyuga main gates and demanded that the rigid and uptight looking man guarding the gates take him to the Hyuga head, the man quickly refused, however Sasuke had learned a few tricks recently for dealing with pesky guards.

"So, am I not allowed in or do you just want me all to your self, pretty eyes." Asked Sasuke making the Hyuga guard stare at him, but he still hadn't opened the gate.

"Oh my, such big hand-Ah fuck this !" Sasuke decided to resort to his older habit, insults.

"Look you jack-off pathetic excuse for a guard I'm Hinata's substitute body guard." This was half true, though he was only meant to watch her outside the village, Tsunade had told him this morning;

( flashback )

Sasuke had just been brought into Tsunade's office and he feared the worst since he had yet to sort things out with Hinata.

"Uchiha, are you aware that yesterday Neji Hyuga heard a rumour about you and his cousin, freaked out and has now locked himself in a tower and is shouting for his precious 'Sasu-kins' to come rescue him ?" asked the Hokage pinching between her eyes.

"No, but I could well believe it, your not going to make save him are you ?" asked Sasuke shaking his head sadly.

"No, I know who you heart belongs to, I'm making Naruto rescue him." Had Sasuke really underestimated this woman so much.

"Tsunade, have I ever told you how much I love you ?" asked Sasuke with a new found respect for the blonde woman.

"Yes, I believe your words where 'I fuckin hate you, you bitchy whore !', though reading the book I think I understand." When did he release a biography ?

"What Book ?" he had a bad feeling about this.

"Anko's book, It was so beautiful, you leaving the village because Orochimaru threatened to hurt Kakashi, and fucking hot, all that sex you had learning Chidori." Rambled the Hokage.

'How the hell did Kakashi allow that to be published ?' little did Sasuke know that Kakashi was being hunted by giant snakes on an abandoned island after a failed attempt at the book notes.

"Anyway you'll be assigned to protect Hinata." Maybe she did know.

"Can you sign this ?" she then handed him some rather graphic fan-art, maybe not.

( end flashback )

"Sorry, I don't believe you brat." That's when Sasuke decided to hit him, and then he hit him again, and a couple of more times for good measure.

So there was Sasuke humming a merry tune, and repeatedly kicking the guard in the gut, when Hiashi Hyuga strolled up to him.

"Uchiha, here to corrupt my nephew ?" asked the Hyuga head.

"Nope, I'm here to corrupt your daughter." Corrected Sasuke giving the guard another kick and muttering "Bitch !".

"What ! Err first our prodigy now our heir. Come to my office boy." Commanded Hiashi.

"What, aren't you at least going to buy me dinner first."

-

( unknown location outside Konoha )

"Neji ! Get your prissy Hyuga ass out of that tower !" bellowed Naruto.

"No ! Your not Sasuke !" Neji shouted back from inside his tower.

"Do I look like I give a fuck !" Screamed Naruto.

A monstrous roar interrupts the shouting match.

"Neji ! What in Kyubi's name was that ?" howled Naruto.

"The Dragon !" bellowed Neji, going back to clutching his Sasuke doll and awaiting _his_ rightful rescue and hot post-rescue sex.

"So, I'm the main character, I can beat anything." Boasted Naruto.

"I got it from a different anime." Roared Neji, as the huge vicious Dragon came into Naruto's view.

"Well, I'm fucked."

-

In the Hyuga Head's main office sat the Hyuga head himself and the infamous Sharingan/Hyuga keeper Sasuke, his ninja name was currently up for debate.

Their debate on Hinata probably would have been a difficult and gruelling process, but that wasn't the case.

Sakura, who had heard the rumour about Hinata and Sasuke, had entered Hiashi's office in her search for the truth, Sasuke had reflexively tried to hid but he only managed to stick his face in Hiashi's lap when she opened the door.

"Oh my god !" before she could escape to gossip, Sasuke had hypnotised her with the Sharingan.

"You know I just realised she can't possibly damage my reputation right ?" Hiashi nodded meekly.

"What do you think they'll call it 'Uchiha giving head Hyuga head' ? There is a nice ring to that." Asked Sasuke, while making Sakura sing 'I'm a little tea pot' accompanied by a dance.

"What do you want ?"

-

( Outside Konoha )

"Fucking dragons !" muttered Naruto wandering through the maze on the first floor of the tower he had just entered.

"Henge !" and now Sasuke stood in his place.

"Now I have the element of surprise on my side for the beating I'll give that bastard Hyuga." Muttered Sasuke(Naruto).

And up he charged, Neji was in for a surprise.

-

( Konoha )

"HINATA !" screamed Sasuke running through the streets of Konoha, many men diving for cover fearing he was on another 'gay run'.

Sasuke finally found her with her sister in a tea house, that was surrounded by fan-girls, while this used to be a problem, now he simply draped his arm over the nearest guys shoulder, who just happened to be the poor only just back from being hunted Kakashi, and went in.

"Oh no, not again !" wailed Kakashi being dragged in.

"Thanks, and don't worry, I'm getting back into the closet !" said Sasuke making his way over to Hinata.

"Thank kami !" and with that Kakashi began screaming his joy all over town, what he didn't know was that after Sasuke gets into the closet, he's assumed single by Sharingan fetish Neji.

"Hinata, I need your help with something." stated Sasuke.

"What is it Sasuke ?" asked Hinata curiously.

"Reviving my clan !" stated Sasuke causing the Fan-girls to become awfully quiet.

"I thought you where gay ?" asked the now wide eyed Hinata.

"I'm bi !" stated Sasuke, Hanabi slapped her forehead, she had heard the Uchiha muttering this story before.

"Let's fuck like bunnies !" squealed Hinata jumping Sasuke, Hanabi's jaw hit the floor.

"I suppose that

makes her misses cock-sucker !" that was when Naruto walked in with Neji in his arms.

-

Itachi had been researching the nine-tails in Konoha when he saw Sasuke doing the impossible, he'd thought his brother was attempting suicide at first.

Sasuke had walked through a _mob_ of fan-girls, and they gave him personal space, no glomping or attempts at rape, not even a serenade.

That's when Itachi noticed Kakashi and figured it out.

Sasuke was the _true_ Uchiha genius.

"I must master this technique."

To say Sasuke was surprised when he was pulled from Hinata into a hug from someone muttering "Thank you !", to turn and see it was Itachi would be an under statement.

-

So, this is the end, I'm thinking about a sequel with Itachi if I get enough requests, Sorry about how long this last chapter took, computer was broken.

R&R


	6. Authors Note, Prodigies too

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto

Disclaimer ; I don't own Naruto.

Author Note-

To those who requested it, I've uploaded the first chapter of this stories sequel ; Prodigies too, which will follow Itachi's attempt at escaping his fangirls, of course fate most be cruel so this story will be ItachixTemari, ( I can already see some Garaa and Shikamaru torture).

Oh ya, a little spoiler for anyone who read my return of the Uchiha (which I still need to finish.), the blonde devil will be paying Itachi, and quiet possibly Sasuke, a visit.

Hope you like it


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